This is the home of the Alliance for the Reincorporation of the Renegade Province of Piedmont into the City of Oakland. (ARRPPCO is its slurry acronym.) We believe that the charmless tax fortress of Piedmont, as tiny as it is corrupt, must be brought to heel, preferably violently, and annexed by the city of Oakland.
Contained entirely within the borders of Oakland, Piedmont was incorporated in 1907 as a racist, leafy tax paradise; by the 20's, it had earned the hideous nickname, "The City of Millionaires." Surrounded entirely by a city whose population is about one-third black, Piedmont's African-American population is 1%, or about 110 persons. Its substantial treasures have proven as immobile as its demographics; Piedmont is still annually registered in lists of the richest cities in the country. It's most well-known native sons are the noxious eugenicist and overhyped travel writer Jack London and the playwright and war criminal Robert McNamara, whose drama, "The Gulf of Tonkin Incident," won over rapt audiences in Washington and New York. Piedmont: a malignant mole on Oakland's back, but an operable one, a historical error, but a remediable one.
1. The seizure and redistribution of private property within the breakaway territory of Piedmont, and the nationalization of the sunset over Piedmont.
2. Prosecution of the banker junta currently conducting city politics in Piedmont, as well as surviving participants in former regimes.
3. An end to wife capture. The primitively bourgeois Piedmontese, in flagrant disregard of relevant federal statutes and the U.N. Charter on Human Rights, have been reluctant to abandon the practice of wife capture, often accomplished by midnight raids into Oakland. Startlingly, more than 70% of the population of Piedmont is married, which indicates just how thoroughly wife capture is embedded in the culture of the region.
4. The razing and uprooting of the oak trees lining its overpoliced streets. Two years ago, the Burmese military government relocated the capital to a remote jungle town, Naypyidaw, in order to better conceal its predations. Likewise, we can no longer allow the symbolic oak to give cover and comfort to quiet political crimes; Piedmont must be exposed to disinfecting daylight.
5. Immediate public access to shadowy Lake Tyson, rumored to be a cherry wine reservoir with ritualistic significance in PIedmontese culture.
6. The gradual "urbanization" of Piedmont and the subjection of Piedmont to history, patterned as a counterpoint to Henry Morganthau, Jr.'s program for the rehabilitation of postwar Germany. Piedmont has for a century immunized itself from history, it has bribed time and pickpocketed the archives. Therefore we resolve that Piedmont be forcibly restored to its pre-1907 condition, after which time it will undergo the same process of neglectful development and city hall scandal visited upon Oakland throughout the 20th century.